Updated: Aug 23, 2020
I have no vocabulary for sex. It took me a solid four years to stop calling condoms ‘things’, even writing that makes me cringe. I’m happy to hear friends’ sex stories and willing to share my own but to actually articulate to the one person I want touching my body, literal silence.
I’ve avoided the topic of sex and intimate relationships in the past, genuinely believing Carrie Bradshaw would come to life and mock me for being so juvenile. But I couldn’t help but wonder if maybe I wasn’t the only person feeling like that?
Overcoming the amateur teachings of sex ed in school is fully credited to the wonderful experiences I’ve had with people I trust, who encouraged me to be less shy and judgmental. Contrary to what I was taught, sex is for pleasure and it’s fun and when done right it is great. It was not this naughty act that would shame my parents or get me in trouble somehow.
I started off by asking friends about their fantasies, go-to moves, positions, turn-ons, turn-offs. Who knew there could be so many? I added more resources from chick flicks and sitcoms to Girls Gotta Eat and Call Her Daddy podcasts. It took an embarrassingly long time for me to realise I had never asked myself what were my fantasies, go-to moves, positions, turn-ons, or turn-offs.
Pornography for me was not helpful, opting for lengthy videos that “told a story” on mute. So my research continued mostly internal, making notes in my head about what was working for me and what absolutely was not. One day someone sent me a picture of their kitchen and I thought “that looks like a good place for sex” and just like that a sexual fantasy was born. Typical movie scene in my head: woman wearing an over-sized top making coffee and being not-so-rudely interrupted by a partner who just can’t keep their hands off them? YES PLEASE.
So don’t be mute. Sex is basically emotion and that comes from communication. If you’re self-conscious about how you’re looking or what you should be doing or how much laundry you have to do, focus instead on where you are being touched and all the other sensations that you're experiencing. Say something to anchor you back to the present. But say something hot to get that partner of yours all fired up too.